We all need a good laugh!

With all of the gloomy and depressing news, statistics, and general BS floating around the Twitterverse, it’s about time we do something to lift up our spirits.

I’d like to hear your favorite biking-related jokes.

Since this isn’t a barroom and I can’t throw out the first drunk, I’ll throw out the first joke (compliments of Granddaughter Woo):

Why do some bikes have kickstands? Because they are too tired to stand up by themselves (rim shot!).

Ouch! Let’s hear your best (or worst) jokes.

See you along the I-O-Way next whenever.

345 Replies

T. Gap Woo, June 17, 2020 at 9:07 am

Last Christmas shopping season, I went to several craft shows, looking for that perfect gift for Mrs Woo. I saw beautiful artwork, pottery, stained glass and other bric-a-brac. Nothing seemed good enough for my sweetheart.

As I ambled up and down the aisles, I came to a display of the finest-looking leather goods I’d ever seen. Perhaps a purse? Maybe a desk set? How about a placemat and coaster set for the dining room table?

Then I saw it. The perfect gift! A bicycle-built-for-two, made entirely out of leather! Mrs Woo, as avid a bicyclist as I, would surely love it.

I asked the craftsman, “How in the world did you ever make a bicycle out of leather?”

He responded, “It was simple. I went to the slaughterhouse and bought several cow hides. Then, I cut out the pieces in the shapes that I needed. Finally, before assembling the pieces, I tanned ‘em!” 🤪 (rim shot).

See you along the I-O-Way in 2021.

#1320460

LawnchairMan, June 17, 2020 at 10:48 am

While cycling near a beach, I saw an object partially buried in the sand. I stopped to unearth it and discovered a bottle with ornate markings. As I rubbed it to give it a shine, it opened and a genie came out. The genie told me that for freeing him I could have a wish: anything I desired.
I told him there were a couple of things I wanted, but what I wanted most was to be able to ride my bike from Los Angeles to Hawaii. The genie’s eyes opened wide in surprise. He said he had promised anything, but asked me if I knew how much I was asking. It meant that he would have to raise the ocean floor, construct the roadway and bridges. He would have to build places to stop for food and water. He would have to build hotels along the way. It would be an enormous undertaking. Then he asked about the other thing I wanted. I told him that I had always had a problem with women. All of my dates were failures. So, could he explain women to me? The genie quickly replied, “Do you want that to be a two-lane or four-lane highway?”

#1320462

LawnchairMan, June 18, 2020 at 10:20 am

Did you hear about the bad bike mechanic who didn’t know which way to go? He’d lost his bearings.

#1320483

T. Gap Woo, June 18, 2020 at 10:35 am

Pete was an avid mountain biker from southern Arizona. He absolutely loved riding through the Chiricahua Mountains, across the Sonoran Desert, up and down “A” Mountain in Tucson, and the back roads paralleling I-19 down to the Mexican border.

His favorite stretch to ride was the route between Nogales AZ and Nogales Mexico. He rode this route every day as he went between the southern Arizona mountains and the desert in Mexico and back.

Every day, he stopped at the border crossing for the usual inspection. The Customs and Border Patrol agents conducted their typically thorough search, looking for contraband.

One CBP agent, Sandy, asked Pete what he was carrying in his pannier.

“Sand,” replied Pete.

“I don’t appreciate that you are making fun of me. I don’t believe you. Empty the pannier into this box so I can examine it closer!” demanded the CBP agent.

Pete complied. Sure enough, the pannier contained only sand. Pete dumped the sand back into the pannier and was allowed to go on his way.

The next day, Pete rode the same route. On his way back from Nogales Mexico, he stopped at the border for the usual CBP inspection. Agent Sandy conducted the inspection again.

“What’s in the pannier?” Sandy asked.

Pete replied again, “Sand. Shall I dump it out again?”

Pete emptied the pannier and agent Sandy sifted through it. Finding nothing amiss, Sandy allowed Pete to reload the sand into the pannier and let him proceed.

The next day, Pete rode the route again. “Same stuff, different day” as the saying goes. This time, Agent Sandy brought out the heavy artillery. Sandy had a drug-sniffing dog check out Pete and his bicycle from stem to stern, but the dog found nothing. Then, Sandy called for a bomb-sniffing dog to conduct a search for explosives. Again, this dog found nothing. Pete was allowed to leave.

This “routine” went on for six straight months and then it abruptly stopped. Pete no longer rode across the border. CBP Agent Sandy retired.

Fast forward about a year. Pete was enjoying a cold beer in a bar in Nogales AZ. Much to his surprise, Agent Sandy strolled into the same bar. Sandy immediately recognized Pete, since they had so many interactions in the past at the border.

“Pete! It’s good to see you again under different circumstances,” Sandy said. “Now that I am retired from CBP and no longer have any law enforcement powers, I have a question for you. I always thought you were doing something illegal, but couldn’t catch you. What were you doing?”

With a straight face, Pete replied, “smuggling bicycles!” 🤪 (rim shot)

See you along the I-O-Way in 2021.

This reply was modified 4 months ago by T. Gap Woo.

#1320484

Amanda, June 18, 2020 at 2:42 pm

HILARIOUS!!! This post makes me smile. 🙂

#1320490

“Bicycle Bill”, June 19, 2020 at 1:17 am

I was out riding yesterday and noticed something lying in the road, and swerved to avoid it.  Unfortunately, I swerved out in front of a police officer, who pulled me over and started to write me a citation for an unsafe lane deviation.

When I walked him back to where I swerved and showed him why I swerved — someone had apparently spilled a box of carpet tacks onto the pavement — and explained to him that riding through them would likely have punctured my tire and caused me to have an accident, he agreed with me and tore up the citation. But then he put me into handcuffs and stated that I was under arrest.

When I asked him why he was arresting me, he said, “You just confessed to tacks evasion.”
-“BB”-

#1320520

T. Gap Woo, June 19, 2020 at 9:50 am

BB,

That was a good one! It reminds me of the physician who was anxious to be finished with his Internal Revenue Service audit so he could go cycling. Doc lamented, “This whole process is taxing my patients!”
🤪 (rim shot)

The company that makes the speedometers for our bicycle computer systems is highly profitable. Last fiscal year, they paid a hefty income tachs. 🤪 (rim shot)

As noted previously in this thread, bicycle sales are shooting through the roof and bikes are flying off the shelves at the LBS (how’s that for a mixed metaphor, ET?).

One footwear company decided to get in on the action, as it strives to improve its bottom line (and unfortunately increase its tax liability).

After much deliberation, they decided to “Just do it!” Swoosh! The company jumped into the bicycle business with both feet and built a full line of bicycles to fit every budget. The product is ready to go. The distribution chain is lined up. They are ready to roll. Almost!

The Marketing Department is still deciding on the pronunciation of the name to be used in their radio and TV ads. Shall the name be pronounced with each word being one syllable each or with each word being pronounced with two syllables each? The chosen name —- “Nike Bike!”🤪 (rim shot)

See you along the I-O-Way in 2021.

#1320531

“Bicycle Bill”, June 20, 2020 at 1:59 am

If they made it with power assist then they could call them a “Nike Bike-E” (the hyphen is to avoid treading on the now-defunct recumbent bike’s trademark).
-“BB”-

#1320553

T. Gap Woo, June 20, 2020 at 9:24 am

If they made it with power assist then they could call them a “Nike Bike-E” (the hyphen is to avoid treading on the now-defunct recumbent bike’s trademark).
-“BB”-

You’re right, BB. We don’t want to have too many legal/shoe jokes, as that would overstep our bounds. 🤪 (rim shot). So, let’s steer the thread back on track.

Edgar and Chuckie entered a race for tandem bikers. They finished in first place, far ahead of the competition. Their prize was no big deal — a trophy and a blue ribbon. To celebrate their victory, they decided to go to the fanciest French restaurant in town.

They went home, showered and dressed in their finest suits, before going to the Chez Cordon Bleu. They ordered the most expensive meal on the menu: pate de fois gras for an appetizer, bouillabaisse for the soup course, Duck a l’Orange for the main course, a magnum of Dom Perignon champagne to wash everything down, and petit fours and raspberry sorbet for dessert. A sumptuous meal fit for two champions!

Following the meal, Edgar excused himself to go to the men’s room, just as the waiter was bringing the check for close to $1,000 before the tip. “I’ll take the bill,” said Chuckie, as Edgar walked away and snuck out the back door.

The headline in the next day’s newspaper read, “Cycling ventriloquist found stabbed to death in ditch!” 🤪 (rim shot).

See you along the I-O-Way in 2021.

#1320556

T. Gap Woo, June 21, 2020 at 9:26 am

A few years ago, Mrs Woo and I took a trip to Newport RI. We biked along the wharves, through the downtown commercial district and up and down the shady residential streets, stopping along the way to shoot pictures of the colonial architecture and the Gilded Age mansions of the gazillionaires from the late 1800’s.

While touring, we came upon the famous Newport Cliff Walk. This is a walking trail, obviously, and is closed to bicycles. We parked our bikes and began to walk. The Walk is paved, but narrow in places, and always crowded with walkers. The Walk is bordered on one side by the backyards of the mansions and on the other side by the cliffs along Narraganset Bay.

While this is generally a safe walkway, there are a few spots where there is nothing between the path and the water below.

Imagine my shock when an illegal bicycle rode up behind us, ringing his bell to clear the path!

He was going way too fast, when he hit a patch of sand near an unprotected area along the path and began to skid toward the edge of the cliff. He jumped off his bike just in time, right before his bike went over the edge.

For a moment, I thought he was gone with the Schwinn. 🤪 (rim shot)

See you along the I-O-Way in 2021.

This reply was modified 4 months ago by T. Gap Woo.

#1320569

“Bicycle Bill”, June 21, 2020 at 10:11 am

Doggone it, Woo! I tried to walk one single sole pun about a shoe treading on a trademark, but apparently it sneakered right past you.
-“BB”-

#1320571

T. Gap Woo, June 21, 2020 at 1:08 pm

Doggone it, Woo! I tried to walk one single sole pun about a shoe treading on a trademark, but apparently it sneakered right past you.
-“BB”-

BB,

I spent big bucks trying to develop a revolutionary new biking shoe that fastened by itself as soon as you inserted your foot, but one of the major shoe manufacturers beat me to the punch.

I was fit to be tied! 🤪 (rim shot)

See you along the I-O-Way in 2021.

#1320572

“Bicycle Bill”, June 21, 2020 at 1:45 pm

Back when I was a good little boy, my parish priest would sometimes join our bicycle club for our Sunday afternoon rides out and around the county.

We used to call him “The Roamin’ Catholic”.
-“BB”-

#1320573

T. Gap Woo, June 21, 2020 at 5:26 pm

Back when I was a good little boy, my parish priest would sometimes join our bicycle club for our Sunday afternoon rides out and around the county.

We used to call him “The Roamin’ Catholic”.
-“BB”-

BB,

Once upon a time when I was a wee tad of a Woo (Don’t ask how old I was! Thou shalt not lie!), the bicycle club in my Hebrew school went biking and camping in the Sonoran Desert in Arizona.

We got disoriented and wandered around for what seemed like forty years, but was actually only a few days, until we finally reached civilization and returned to the comfort and safety of home.

We were feted with a feast featuring a fatted calf, befitting the return of the Prodigal Son.

Ever since that day, our club was known as one of “The Lost Tribes of Israel.” 🤪 (rim shot).

See you along the I-O-Way in 2021.

#1320578

T. Gap Woo, June 22, 2020 at 8:35 am

I was truly shocked when I visited my local tavern today. Billy, the bartender, was not his usually jovial self and was sporting a brace on his knee and a cervical collar around his neck. He was in a really foul mood, as well. His wife was assisting him at the bar.

“Billy, what the heck happened to you?” I inquired.

Billy could only mumble, so his wife answered for him. “Over the weekend, we went biking past a citrus grove and Billy crashed into a lemon tree.”

That explains why he is bitter and twisted! 🤪 (rim shot, with apologies to Billy “Crash” Craddock).

See you along the I-O-Way in 2021.

#1320583

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