We all need a good laugh!

With all of the gloomy and depressing news, statistics, and general BS floating around the Twitterverse, it’s about time we do something to lift up our spirits.

I’d like to hear your favorite biking-related jokes.

Since this isn’t a barroom and I can’t throw out the first drunk, I’ll throw out the first joke (compliments of Granddaughter Woo):

Why do some bikes have kickstands? Because they are too tired to stand up by themselves (rim shot!).

Ouch! Let’s hear your best (or worst) jokes.

See you along the I-O-Way next whenever.

350 Replies

T. Gap Woo, July 18, 2020 at 9:24 am

Tom and Jack were boyhood pals and next-door neighbors for many years. Growing up, they raised all types of Cain and got into no end of trouble. As kids, one of their favorite games was “Truth or Dare.” When they were teenagers and old enough to drive cars, they graduated to games of “Chicken” with oncoming motorists.

They survived those tumultuous years, miraculously, and grew up to be respectable adults. Now in their mid-60’s, Tom and Jack decided to take up bicycling again, although they hadn’t ridden bikes in almost fifty years.

Off they went to the local bike shop. After searching through the store’s inventory, Jack picked out a basic single speed bike with a coaster brake, just like the bike he had as a kid.

Tom, on the other hand, picked out the most expensive and fanciest racing bike in the shop. It had all of the bells and whistles: 24-speeds; front and rear disc brakes; the skinniest tires; and, everything a Tour de France rider could want.

Jack tried to talk Tom out of buying such an advanced bike, but Tom would not be dissuaded.

After picking out helmets and other accessories, they paid the bill and went home. In keeping with an old boyhood tradition, they decided to name their bikes.

Jack named his bike “Easy” because, as a simple bike, it would be easy to ride. Tom named his bike “Truth” after his favorite childhood game “Truth or Dare.”

The next day dawned bright and sunny, so Tom and Jack decided to take their new bikes out for a spin in the countryside outside of town.

Jack pedaled along with ease, having no problems at all and enjoying the scenery. Tom, on the other hand, lost his balance and crashed several times. The chain kept jumping off the gears due to cross-chaining. He misapplied pressure to the disc brakes and ended up flying over the handlebars.

Jack, realizing that he outran his buddy, turned back and found Tom sprawled out on the road’s shoulder and the bike in a crumpled heap in a ditch.

After ascertaining that Tom was ok, Jack reminded Tom, “I told you not to buy that bike, but you wouldn’t listen to reason. You just can’t handle the Truth!”

🤪 (rim shot and a tip of the hat to Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson).

See you along the I-O-Way in 2021.

#1321814

T. Gap Woo, July 19, 2020 at 6:55 am

We’ve all heard that old saying, “Once you learn how to ride a bike, you’ll never forget!”

When I was a math teacher, I used to tell my students, “Once you learn a math subject like algebra or trigonometry, you’ll never forget!”

I never told them about “Woo’s Corollary” though, which states, “Doing math problems after many years out of school is like riding a bike. It’s no fun when you run into something hard!” 🤪 (rim shot)

See you along the I-O-Way in 2021.

#1321924

LawnchairMan, July 19, 2020 at 2:14 pm

This is not a joke, but it’s kind of stupid-funny.
I use a Camelbak that I store behind my seat. Since I am righthanded, I secure the tube to the right side of my seat with Velcro. Occasionally the Velcro has failed so that the tube falls into my chain and cassette. It usually cuts the tube and the end wraps around the cassette. This hasn’t caused a crash, but it puts me out of water for the rest of the ride, and I then have to replace the tube. This has happened enough that I bring a spare tube when I come to Iowa.
My tube dropped into my gears again last week, and somehow it broke a limit screw on my derailleur, so I had to limp home with a limited selection of gears.
FINALLY, after fourteen years of riding recumbents this way, I realized that I could put the tube on the left side of my bike! Now if the tube falls, it may get into my spokes, but not the gearing. I should have figured this out after the first time it happened. I feel so stupid!
I tell you this story so you can laugh with me. Also, if there are other recumbent riders with this problem, or riders just setting up a recumbent they can benefit from my experience.

This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by LawnchairMan.

#1321954

“Bicycle Bill”, July 19, 2020 at 6:34 pm

“I use a Camelbak that I store behind my seat. Since I am righthanded, I secure the tube to the right side of my seat with Velcro. Occasionally the Velcro has failed… “

One of the first things I learned as a cyclist is that Velcro will stick to itself … until you really need it to do so.  I used to have a Cannondale-type handlebar bag that used a metal rack over the stem and handlebars; the bag itself attached to the rack with two or three flaps of Velcro.  Worked well for a few years until, one day on RAGBRAI the Velcro came loose on a particularly rough railroad crossing and the bag slid off the rack onto and in front of my wheel.  Fortunately I had slowed sufficiently for the crossing that it didn’t cause me to crash and hurt myself, but it wasn’t long after that I discovered Kirtland TourPak bags, which used metal spring clips riveted to the bag that snapped over the metal handlebar rack – a much more solid arrangement.  I rode with these until the late 1990s, at which time I discovered that Kirtland had gone out of business [sniffles].  Had I known that, I would have purchased and set aside enough of a supply it would have lasted me the rest of my life … and then some.

I still think that if someone were to get their hands on the old Kirtland designs and resurrect them they could carve themselves out a serious niche in the market.  If I were thirty years younger, I might even consider doing so myself.
-“BB”-

#1321978

LawnchairMan, July 19, 2020 at 9:09 pm

Hey Bicycle Bill,
Thanks for your Velcro story. I suspect that the Iowa humidity relaxes the Velcro loops.
On my first Ragbrai I lost a small bottle of energy gel that Velcroed to the mount it came with. I never had a problem with it here in dry Nevada.

#1321988

LawnchairMan, July 19, 2020 at 9:31 pm

Hmmm. . .
BB, due to your description of the Kirkland bags, I have started thinking of alternatives. I could heavy-duty tape strong magnets to the bike and coil wire around my tubes. It wouldn’t wear out, and humidity wouldn’t affect it. I’ll let you know how it works. Thanks for the inspiration!

#1321994

T. Gap Woo, July 20, 2020 at 6:45 am

BB and LCM,

Whenever I ride, I always carry a single Camelbak full of water. On rides in extreme heat and humidity, I carry two Camelbaks. I feel like either an Arabian camel or a Bactrian camel —- one hump or two!

Ride in peace! As Max Klinger said once in M*A*S*H, “May your camel spit nothing but dates!”

🤪 (rim shot)

See you along the I-O-Way in 2021.

#1322003

LawnchairMan, July 20, 2020 at 11:33 am

Hi T. Gap,
You remind me of when I used to have a camel plush toy. I mounted it on my bag that is behind my seat. It took a while before one of my club riders understood that it was a camel at the back of my bike. So I had two Camelbaks too! I wonder what happened to that camel?

Practice social distancing and wear a mask!

#1322024

T. Gap Woo, July 20, 2020 at 6:08 pm

I wonder what happened to that camel?

If I were a betting man, I’d bet that your “Ship of the Desert” ran aground on a dune while sailing towards an oasis that was actually in the middle of a mirage. But I’m not a betting man. I think it got tired of riding in the back, because the view never changed. 🤪 (Rim shot)

See you along the I-O-Way in 2021.

#1322064

T. Gap Woo, July 21, 2020 at 7:55 am

As part of his parents’ divorce settlement, Jeffy went to live with his mother and her new husband. He spent weekend visitations with his dad and stepmother.

Jeffy’s mom treated him well. Whatever he wanted, she got for him. She was heavily into physical fitness. Mom biked to work, to the store, everywhere! She bought him a good, entry-level bike and they went biking all over the place, just for the fun and exercise of it. Jeffy had a blast, riding with his mom.

Jeffy’s stepmother, on the other hand, was the stereotypical “Wicked Witch of the West” who made Cinderella’s stepmother look like an angel. She was a gold-digger who wanted for nothing, taking advantage of her new husband in every respect. Stepmom treated Jeffy worse than dirt and considered him lower than garbage.

She did absolutely nothing for him or with him. If he wanted to go somewhere, he had to walk. When she wasn’t lounging around the house, watching soap operas, eating bonbons, and sipping Perrier, she was tooling around town, showing off her brand-new Beemer or hubby’s Jag. She drove imcessantly, even if it was only down the street, just to show off her wheels.

After several months of experiencing life with his mother and stepmother, Jeffy reached this conclusion. Bike Ma’s really nice, but Car Ma’s a B****! 🤪 (rim shot).

See you along the I-O-Way in 2021.

#1322088

LawnchairMan, July 21, 2020 at 8:24 am

My little Bactrian turned up in the shade of the nearest oasis! Once again she can see where I’ve been. I will use her for my avitar for a while.

#1322091

T. Gap Woo, July 22, 2020 at 8:54 am

Several months ago, before all of this COVID-19 stuff hit, my biking club went for a late-winter/early-spring ride. To our untrained eyes, the weather looked promising and we all anticipated a good ride, followed by a visit to our favorite tavern for some liquid warmth.

We’d ridden about 10 miles when, all of a sudden, a snow squall developed. The temperature fell precipitously, visibility dropped to less than 100 yards, and the road iced over like a skating rink.

Bicyclists, myself included, slid, skidded and fell at the rate of one cycle per second. Lemme tellya, that hertz!

🤪 (rim shot).

See you along the I-O-Way in 2021.

#1322184

“Bicycle Bill”, July 23, 2020 at 3:33 am

Back when I was a Boy Scout, my motto was “Be Prepared.”

Now I’m older and I fix bicycle horns. My motto is “Beep Repaired.”
-“BB”-

This reply was modified 3 months ago by "Bicycle Bill".

#1322259

T. Gap Woo, July 23, 2020 at 8:49 am

Andy belonged to my bicycling club. The club was planning their summer adventure ride, one that had been on every member’s bucket list —- a cross-country ride from San Diego California to Miami Florida, with an optional swing down to Key West.

Andy was on the route-planning committee, while others worked on logistics, food supplies and other miscellaneous stuff.

While most of the spouses were supportive of this endeavor, Andy’s wife was adamantly opposed. She fought tooth-and-nail to keep Andy home, raising every argument she could think of.

“Who’s gonna mow the lawn?”

“Who’s gonna paint the living room?”

“Who’s gonna finish the chores on the honey-do list?”

On and on she nagged.

Finally, Andy advised, “I’m going whether you like it or not. And you can’t stop me!”

His wife replied, “I’ll divorce you first. You’ll go, but over my dead body!”

Andy jubilantly responded, “Oh good! You can be our first speed bump!” 🤪 (rim shot)

See you along the I-O-Way in 2021.

#1322262

T. Gap Woo, July 24, 2020 at 8:02 am

As I’ve bragged before, Granddaughter Woo is one smart cookie for someone who is going into first grade. She is so inquisitive, asking questions all the time about everything.

The other day, she was asking me about the exercise bikes we ride whenever the weather is too bad to ride outside. In response to her question, I explained why the pedals were connected to the moving handlebars.

“Oh goody! Now I can exercise my arms at the same time!” she exclaimed.

Then she questioned the meaning of the electronic dashboard display. “What does the ‘odo’ and ‘spd’ mean?”

I informed her, “The ‘odo’ stood for ‘odometer’ which tells how many miles you have ridden. The ‘spd’ tells how fast you are riding.”

Granddaughter Woo had a puzzled look on her face and then said, “That’s silly! Why do you want to know how far and fast you are riding? Everyone knows you can’t go anywhere on a STATIONARY bike!” 🤪 (rim shot, with hugs and kisses to Granddaughter Woo)

See you along the I-O-Way in 2021.

#1322302

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